Saturday, December 31, 2005

2006

Okay, so everyone is discussing their "next" year in knitting. I'm excited to report that this will be my 2nd year of knitting, which should bring some fun experiences as they will no longer be "newbie" knittings! :-)

I completed enough projects to equal 1 finished object every 2 weeks. That's pretty darn good. Since I'm working full time and now a single mother I don't expect that my finished object number will increase, but I do expect that my quality will improve.

I only have a few goals... they're pretty much done on the fly, by the seat of my pants, after a few drinks.

In 2006 I will:

1. Complete 3 sweaters.
2. Design one of my own patterns. Even if it's something simple and I never publish it.
3. Complete a sucessful lace project.
4. Don't have more than 4 projects on the needles at any one time. Period. I am out of control right now. That's what January's goals will be all about. Finishing projects so I can be caught up to go on with my new year.

Happy new year all. I wish for you as many margaritas as I'm having. And I hope they're as good a quality as the ones I'm having too!

DRINKUP!

***Update***
It is 12:22 am, now officially 2006. Please note the lack of personal goals, ambitions, and new year's resolutions. Right now, in my personal life I feel that I'm too unstable to make those sorts of predictions promises to myself. Who knows if I'll be able to keep them. Each day is different. Some days are so easy I wonder how I thought I ever loved the ex. Then there are some days that think "What was I thinking?" And I know my true feelings lie somewhere in the middle. I still love him. Not the person he IS, but the person I know he can be, and the person I know he wants to be. There are things about him that I hope don't change. But those things are almost insignificant personality quirks and traits that don't really matter in the scheme of things. I try to tell myself everyday that just because I'm a single mother doesn't make me undesireable. Just because I've been through *stuff* (for a lack of a better word) doesn't mean I need to treat all men like they are going to hurt me.

This also means that I can try to be optimistic, but ALSO means that I shouldn't expect that I won't have down days or days when things just seem HARD. And that is okay. I should expect those days, be prepared to endure them just as much as I need to be prepared to say, Enough is enough, today will be a good day. I like these quotes, shamelessly taken from other bloggers:
"I am resolving to embrace what is, to be content" (Moth Heaven)
And...
"When love ends it changes you. Who knows what the changed you will look like or sound like in twelve months time? Who knows what circumstance and happenstance may forever alter?
Just like getting married.
He was just a guy I met one day." (Crazy Aunt Purl)

And if nothing else I can say that I don't regret it. Not for an instant. Not for the heartache, not for the tears, not for the way it changed my life in a way that can never be "fixed." And I don't just say this because "I have a child." I mean, yes, zander is important... but leaving him aside, I would have done this, and I wouldn't regret it even IF I didn't have him. And so for ME, I can say, I don't regret it. I don't regret talking to HIM that day, I don't regret moving to CT and giving up MY dreams to support someone else's. I don't regret anything, because there were some absolutely fantastic moments, and there were some unbelieveable laughs, good times, and good feelings.

I believe in Karma. I believe in Fate. If I hadn't done the things I did I wouldn't be where I was today. And sometimes the view from my paren'ts home is a little gloomy, but let me just tell you about the view from my cubicle, and let me just mention the handsome man who has started to spark something inside of me that I was sure would never be sparked by any man other than my ex. And no, it's not love, and no, it's not infatuation. It's just attraction. As simple as that. I haven't felt that jolt in my stomach in YEARS. And even though, for some strange reason, it feels like I am betraying my ex, it feels good to look across and see him smile at me, or touch my back as he passes through the small aisleways, or the way he greets me when I come in every morning.

I go in everyday, and NO ONE knows the kind of depressed and empty feelings I have at night as I'm waiting for sleep to collect me. Some people are amazed at the lifestyle I lead and the positive outlook I have. I could consider this fooling them, or I could consider it me. I am capable of being that way, I am capable of finding happiness in small moments or tokens, and so I will try to find as many of those moments as I can.

My goal for 2006?
Embrace what is. Be content. Smile. And maybe go on a date.

Posted by Melanie at 8:36 PM

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