Saturday, March 11, 2006

Every day is a new bend in the road

The one thing I've learned about divorce is that no day is going to be the same. Some days you're independent and your day runs like a well oiled machine. Other days you're angry, confused, frustrated, sad, overwhelmed.

Lately I've been wondering how I'm even keeping my sanity. I'm doing too much. Way too much. I work too many hours. I go to school. I have built up a social life, started a few new social beginnings. I am raising a determined, stubborn two year old man. And I'm learning to be a single mom. I feel I have just started mastering this ARTFORM of single parenthood. And I feel like I'm doing a good job. My little guy knows that I love him. I love him with the strength of two people. I give him the guidance, support, and attention that he needs to thrive. I was just at the stage of getting past "where is the father? Why doesn't he call? why doesn't he see little Z?" And I was starting to say, "He doesn't need two parents to thrive. He just needs lots of love."

Suddenly I am just 2 short days away from handing over the most important thing in my life for 6 days to his father who has suddenly decided after 7 months that he needs to see his son. My internal battle is raging. I have never felt so lost and so confused by anything in my entire life. More so than the confusing decision I made to divorce him, or the decision I made to move on with my life, or the decision I made to be the best mom and dad that I could be.

I have been both parents. It has been a very long seven months. And I can be selfish about if I want, but truth of the matter is that Zander has a father. And if his father wants to see him he has that right. Zander should have a relationship with his father. But part of me wants to shelter him-- wrap my arms around him and refuse to let him out of my sight. How long until the next time the ex will visit? How long until the next phone call? Will this be my life in a vicious cycle of wanting what is best for my child, while trying to guard him (without making his decisions for him). Will Zander be mad at me if this becomes a vicious cycle and I let it continue on for years? Will Zander be mad at me if one day I decide to break this cycle and end their relationship? What is the right answer?

And besides drinking a lot of beer and jack and coke next week how will I get through six days without my little boy?

Posted by Melanie at 11:39 PM


  1. Blogger Melanie posted at 1:09 AM  
    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
  2. Blogger Melanie posted at 1:16 AM  
    (my post deleted,I didn't do it)
    I meant to say that you know what is best for Zander. You are a strong mama, you CAN do it.
    I am so sorry that you have to deal with this,and feel this pain. I tried to imagine,but I just can't.
  3. Blogger Ruinwen posted at 10:39 AM  
    I'm sorry you are going through this. I will keep you in my prayers. But IMHO you have the strength to face this challenge. Let your love for your son be your anchor.

  4. Blogger SheKnits posted at 4:44 PM  

    I think you have all the tools you need to get through whichever storms are thrown your route. Zander will have nothing but love, support, and courage to face any obstacles in his future. He will know the *correct and true* way to treat and be with his future someone, because of your love and grace.

    I believe you are making all of the right choices for you and Zander. Keeping the two of you in my prayers...
  5. Blogger Nickerjac posted at 7:46 PM  
    Hang on in there, difficult for me to give any advice except go with your instincts x
  6. Blogger KnitNana posted at 1:31 PM  
    How will you get thru it? One day at a time. Minute by minute if need be. You make the best decisions you can at the moment you have in front of you with the information available then. And then no regrets.
  7. Anonymous Donna posted at 6:42 AM  
    I wish I could say to you "This is the answer", but there's no single right answer. :(
    My daughter hasn't laid eyes on her father in nearly 5 years, and I still worry that he'll want to stroll back into her life as if nothing has happened.

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